Where have I been?

I knew it had been a long while since I last posted, but September!? My mother always told me if you don't have something nice to say, keep your mouth shut (actually she didn't say that, but that is how I have felt lately). I truly have been in a funk - lots of legitimate reasons - but I didn't have much positive to post about, so I didn't. Things haven't changed around here much. We are still looking for a house (which has been 90% of the reason for my funk), living with mold in our apartment, but thankfully our unruly neighbors have moved and been replaced by a wonderful.....quiet....family. Thank God for little blessings. We also have had to deal with some family situations that have been ongoing for a while with our extended family. Couple that with the hormones that come with turning 40 (like being pregnant on crack) and sometimes the stress of all this gets the best of me and I am overwhelmed. I've heard it said that a person's true character comes out under strain. If that is true, than I am ashamed to admit how my character has been lately. The stress of these last few months have made me feel like the Israelites in the desert. Instead of being thankful that God is providing for me and my family every single day, I have been focused on the one thing he hasn't answered for me yet. How selfish! He provides and provides and provides and yet I'm asking "yeah, but what about this?" Do we children ever grow up? God has, through stripping me of my control, taught me to rely on him solely. Not my husband, whom I have always been able to count on. He's a perfect husband for me, but he's not God. That is one lesson I have learned through all this. What a terrible weight to put on another human being - to take the place of God. Being a control freak - you always think YOU are going to be able to handle anything that happens - YOU are going to be able to control external circumstances from interfering with your life. Guess what? You can't. That is where the sole reliance on God has to come in. I only thought I was relying on God. It wasn't until things slipped from my control and all the balls I was juggling came crashing down that I realized, I wasn't relying on him much at all. There are many great lessons that have come out of the past few months (years) and I am sure many more to come. The stress is still there, the not knowing what each day will bring is still there, the feeling of being out of control is still there; but so is God. More now than ever. You never know how strong something is until you have your full weight on it. He's strong. Stronger than anything I have to deal with. Stronger than anything you have to deal with. Why I try to carry this weight on my own is out of pure pride and control on my part. How much lighter the load is when I give it to the only one that can carry it - and does so willingly. What a wonderful Father we have that, even after all our whining, is still there - waiting with open arms and a willing shoulder to cry on. How thankful I am today for his love.

Living in peace

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18 We have been living on the bottom floor of an apartment building for 18 months as we continue to look for a house. We have had 3 families live above us during this time and overall, they have been courteous and respectful. The last family to move in, however, has not been. Their dogs bark at all hours of the day and night (including at us when we are coming home); their owners allow them to roam on the deck, which leaves a ton of dog hair on my patio furniture that I have to clean up. They also run around upstairs like they are wearing lead boots. This family has tested our patience - which is already hanging by a thread to begin with. If there is one pet peeve I have, it's being inconsiderate of others. One afternoon, after I had spent 2 hours cleaning dog hair off my patio furniture, I came home to find goldfish crackers and more dog hair all over my patio. I wish I can say I acted like Jesus when I saw this - full of love and grace. I did act like Jesus, but more like the picture I have of him when he was throwing tables out of the temple. It was not a pretty sight. My husband decided to take the lead with this one (I think he just didn't want me to go all psycho on them). He called the property and asked to have the manager call him. He stated "please do not do anything regarding this situation until I talk to the manager. I don't want to be at war with these people". We really just wanted to see if they would put a mat on their patio to keep the dog hair on their porch. The next day it sounded like a 50 lb. weight was being dropped on my ceiling - over and over and over again. Then I heard loud stomping and slamming things. My kitchen light fixture looked like it was about to come out of the ceiling. I knocked on the door to the upstairs apartment to see what the problem was. She finally came downstairs and was obviously upset. I asked her if everything was alright, she said she was exercising and slammed the door in my face. We found out later that the property went against my husband's wishes and sent them a letter. She has never been overly friendly, but now she was in retaliation mode, and I was at my wits end. Home wasn't home anymore, it felt like a combat zone. My husband talked to the property manager a couple days later and voiced his displeasure, but not much changed. I truly did not handle this very well either, I'll admit. My anger got the best of me at times and there are a few marks on the ceiling where a stray basketball went flying up. But in the midst of God working on my anger, he also was teaching me what it truly means to live at peace. I love that Romans 12:18 begins with "if it is possible". God knows it is not always possible to live at peace, and there are times action must be taken. We certainly have a right to live in the comfort of our home, but we didn't mean for this nasty letter to go out. I wrestled with the Lord, and myself with this one. Do I say something, or leave it be? My heart has been restless. I have been praying for the Lord to help me resolve this. I have been asking him to place her in my path so I can talk to her, if that is his will. If that wasn't his will, and I was to leave this situation alone, then I prayed for that too. To be honest, my more heartfelt prayers were that I would not have to confront her, and that I was justified in being angry and she would go on her merry way. God had other plans though. Today I came home and felt the urge to write her a note and stick it on her door. I didn't get the letter done before I left to go pick up David, but when I walked out the husband was standing near his car. With all the courage I could muster and shaking like a leaf, I walked up to him. I asked him to apologize to his wife for me. I told him I knew she was angry with me presumably about the letter, and I told him what our intentions were when we called the property. He was nice enough, but began to make excuses for their dogs and blamed another resident for the dog hair. I blew it off and just reiterated my sincere apology that the letter was sent and that she got so upset. I truly did not mean to upset her. He said he would relay the message and wished me well. What I did today most likely will not change my situation. Based on the husband's reaction, they don't take responsibility for their animals or for the noise coming from upstairs. They most likely will remain inconsiderate to me and my family. If so, I will seek wisdom how to move forward. The lesson for me was, for once, not in the end result. The lesson was the process. I wish I could have been more loving and graceful in the way I handled it. I wish my anger had not gotten the best of me some days. I get so focused on the lack of consideration in some people, I tend to forget they may be dealing with some difficult things and I need to be mindful of that. I am also thankful the Lord used this very stressful time to draw me nearer to him and seek him out. I am so thankful to the Lord also, for allowing that man to be at his car, and for giving me the courage to speak to him. God loves me enough to have sent the husband, not the angry wife, to deal with. For that I am grateful. As much as it depended on me, for today, I attempted to live at peace. I pray I learn from this and extend grace when needed.....and have patience enough not to throw any more balls at the ceiling, no matter how loud it gets!

Designated Areas

My husband and I took our son to the dentist office this past Friday. He was getting 3 teeth pulled and we all were pretty anxious about it. The waiting area was very kid friendly - full of electronic games, children's programs on the t.v. and books. There even was a computer for the adults to utilize with access to the Internet. As we were waiting, I noticed a mom sitting in front of a child's game screen nervously tapping her foot. After a few seconds, she got out her cell phone. For the next 10 minutes, I had the distinct displeasure of hearing every detail of what happened to her son as she explained it to her friend under the premise "please pray for him". I can tell you what school he went to, where he tripped and fell, what shoes he was wearing when he fell, how many times she told him to change his shoes, how many teeth were knocked loose, the school staff who helped him and what Christmas presents she bought them last year ("they take care of the kids who's moms are involved" so I understand). I can also tell you how much blood was involved, how much ice, what they would have to do if the teeth needed to be pulled ("knock him out for sure") and how awesome the school was during this "crisis". She hung up just as my husband was making the motion to hang himself. Truly, the nurse saved us both from further torture to tell the mom he was going to be fine.

After David got taken back, we decided the "not-as-kid-friendly" waiting room down the hall was more our style, so we headed back to wait.....and pray. No sooner were we in that waiting room does the woman next to me pick up the phone to make a call. Do you know hard it is to read an article on stress free parenting in Parents Magazine while the person next to you is talking about her niece who has been burping and farting every two minutes for the past 3 days? Hard, let me tell ya. I know more about these women....whom I DO NOT know....than I do some of my closest friends. The problem with that is - I don't want to.

I feel violated. I was subjected to these moronic conversations against my own will, unable to leave because my sweet little boy was getting 3 teeth pulled and for crying out loud, if something happened, I wanted to be there! I was trapped.

Much like those of us who don't smoke have historically been subjected to others that do, we now face a new enemy: The ignorant cell phone user. Honestly, if either of these women would have lit up a cigarette, I would have politely asked them to take it outside. Why in the world would they think other people in the room want to hear their conversation? I wish I would have had the nerve to tap them on the shoulder and say "pardon me, I really don't want to hear your conversation, would you mind talking elsewhere? I don't want to be subjected to second hand conversation - it's endangering my health" (and obviously the health of my husband who decided he'd rather watch his firstborn get 3 teeth yanked out than listen to this conversation any further - and he hates blood - especially when it's coming out of his 9 year old).

There are designated areas for smoking - there should be for cell phone users. Quite frankly, and forgive me for being un-christian, but if people want to kill themselves with smoking....or hideous cell phone conversations, so be it. But those of us making different choices for ourselves should be spared. I feel a "freedom from speech" movement coming on!

Back to the grind

Oh my goodness it's been a long time since my last post. I love summer and all the irresponsibility that comes with it! :) God certainly knows how we operate - by the end of school I am soooo ready to not be scheduled, but by the end of summer I am ready to have some order restored. And restored it has been. David started school last Thursday and he is loving it. This is his 5th year at Carmel Christian and he is so incredibly happy there - and we couldn't be more pleased. I noticed a big difference in my boy this year. He is taking on much more responsibility with his school work, and he has matured so much over the last year. Hardly any apprehension before school and he has been happy as a clam each morning (he is NOT a morning person, much like his Mommy, so this is a big deal). He is just so excited about school. I know it may not always be this way - so I am truly thankful for the way this year has started. I am especially thankful for Carmel Christian School and the staff there. What a wonderful place it is.

Jason starts WEE School in a couple of weeks. He is missing his big brother, but we are finding things to do together. This will be a big deal for him as he starts TK - 5 days a week at school. What am I going to do?!? ;) He is excited and at orientation he went to his class with no hesitation at all, so that was good. I went and listened to our wonderful preschool director go over the handbook for the very last time. I could recite this handbook by memory, as my children have been a part of WEE School for 7 years now. I can hardly imagine what it's going to be like to NOT be a part of this wonderful program. It was bittersweet to sit in that room full of first time WEE School parents. I remember what it was like to leave my child in his classroom crying his eyes out and wondering if I did the right thing. Now, 7 years later, he is a confident 4th grader and my youngest is now in his last year of preschool there. How far we have come! If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have worried nearly as much. Our children are God's children, first and foremost, and he loves them and cares for them always.

The summer has been wonderful and lazy, for the most part. I am so thankful to spend quality time with my children and husband during the summer. It is good, though, to be back at school and feeling like I am accomplishing something more than deepening my tan and washing bathing suits and towels every day....although, I do love it!

This summer has also brought me closer to the Lord. It's been challenging more than I ever thought, and obstacles have been overcome and struggles still ahead....but, more about that in another post. I'm glad to be able to look back on this summer and see God's hand over our lives. God is good!

A Firey Fourth

We had a great time at Knights Stadium watching a great game and awesome fireworks (pictures below), but on our way home around midnight we came upon this - a fire. We were heading down Rea Road and saw a brush fire taking up the backside of someone's yard and no one was around - the houses were all dark. We turned off and drove through the neighborhood until we found the smoke, and then the fire. Rick rang the doorbell of the 2 houses in front of the fire, while I dialed 911.

Thankfully Rick found a garden hose and started putting it out before it reached a large tree. The Fire Dept. and Police came and were able to put a stop to the rest of it, but my hero husband had gotten most of it out with that little garden hose before they got there. The neighbors were so appreciative. It was kind of scary to think a fire was burning in their back yard and they didn't even know! Glad we saw it.

Before the fire excitement, we had lots of fun at the game. Rick's dad bought the family tickets and we got to watch the game and awesome fireworks! Here is the whole family with Rick's Aunt Elaine in town from NY. (Doesn't she and my MIL look alike!) The Knights won 11 to 2 and needless to say, we were all exhausted - especially two little boys I know and love!

No longer InStyle

I have a confession to make - I am a trash magazine junkie. I love them: People, US Weekly, In Touch. I even get Country Weekly I am such a geek! One of my favorite things to do before vacation is stock up on the latest trash magazines to read while I'm gone. Another magazine I like, not really trashy, but I like it is InStyle. I usually pick this up at the grocery store, but when I was in Ulta a few months ago they were doing a promotion for it. I signed up for a subscription and enjoyed getting this magazine delivered to my house. I particularly enjoyed all the great tips on putting outfits together for less and what the best make up deals were out there. Then one day, as I was flipping through the latest issue, I saw this: Where her hand is going I'd rather not think about. Then a few pages later was these:

I am rising two young men, and am praying my husband doesn't come to see me as just the person who picks up his laundry and keeps the Pepsi stocked in the fridge. With that in mind, I wondered what my 9 year old would think if he looked over my shoulder while I was reading this magazine and saw this:

I don't know if you can tell, but that's an actress completely naked. You can see her whole back side and part of her breast. What finally did it for me was a page where celebrities were asked what their favorite website was and designer Tom Ford listed a free porn site. Not joking - it's in the June '09 edition.

I'm sorry, but this IS a magazine aimed at women, right? I mean, am I missing something here? What makes the editors of InStyle believe ads like these are going to appeal to me - a heterosexual female? Put an ad of a cheesecake and pasta in there and I'll buy ten copies and hand them out to my friends. This stuff not only does NOT appeal to me, it repulses me. The articles in this magazine are helpful and informative, but the cost of my sons seeing these pictures are no longer worth it to me. They would never get these images out of their minds and I would never be able to forgive myself. So until InStyle can figure out how to print a magazine for women that doesn't offend women, I will no longer buy it.

If Eve were tempted by an apple, Adam surely would have been tempted by a woman

Infidelity. It's all over the news lately. From Jon Gosselin to Mark Sanford to John Edwards. It's heartbreaking. So many lives ruined; families destroyed. These men seemed, on the surface, to be good guys. Loved their wives; adored their children; and honored God. What happened, and is any man safe from the sin of infidelity? My husband and I often joke that if he thought about food as much as I did, and I thought about sex as much as he did, we'd both be happy. Men and women's needs are so vastly different, you wonder why God created us they way He did and expected us to live together as one. But he did create us differently and he has his reasons and they are wonderful at that, but what about these different needs? The emails Gov. Sanford sent to his mistress were beautiful and moving.....had they only been sent to his wife. Reading them in the context by which they were sent is sickening. He mentions in them that he "did not need love when they first met 15 years ago, but the battle scars of life and aging and politics have worn on and this has become a real need of mine." Men and women's needs are different, and they change over time. Sometimes we don't even know there is a void until someone, or something, starts to fill it. Then we are awakened to what was missing and wondering why our spouse hasn't been filling it. We turn to other people, or things, to fill it. Go all the way back to Genesis. The serpent was more crafty than all the animals God had made and temped Eve. When Eve saw the apple was "good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom" (Gen. 3:6) she ate it. How often we are temped by what feels good to us, is pleasing to us and is desirable. What a deceitful trap the evil one spins for us! He knows what works, even from the beginning, and we keep falling for it. The Lord tells us to "be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8). My word, how many of us have been devoured of late? None of us are immune from the devils plans. Whether it is infidelity, financial struggles, pornography, or emotional needs we are getting met outside of marriage, it is all a sin and we must work hard and pray harder for protection around our husbands, our children and even ourselves. William F. Harley, Jr. has a wonderful website called Marriagebuilders. It is a great resource on the subject of marriage, and infidelity in particular. There also is a wonderful needs survey that I encourage you to take with your spouse. We may think we know what our husband's greatest needs are, but when was the last time we asked them? I used to believe there was some great character flaw in people who cheat. I don't anymore. We tell ourselves that was something "off" about them to make ourselves feel more secure; that it couldn't happen to us. It can. These people are no different from you and me. These wonderful families were not destroyed in a day. The foundation of their marriage was slowly stripped away, brick by brick, by choices that were made. A choice to take the kids to ball practice, again, instead of going out to dinner as a couple. A choice to flirt with a co-worker - it's just innocent fun. A choice to confide in a friend of the opposite sex instead of our spouse or a counselor. A choice to not deal with the needs of our spouse because I have needs too and they aren't getting met. A choice to put my kids, or my job, or my finances ahead of God. A choice to believe my husband will always feel the same about me no matter how I treat him or ignore his needs. A choice to do what feels good instead of what is right. Choices. What choice will I make today? What choice will my husband make today? What choice will you make today? "Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate" (Matthew 19:6).