If Eve were tempted by an apple, Adam surely would have been tempted by a woman

Infidelity. It's all over the news lately. From Jon Gosselin to Mark Sanford to John Edwards. It's heartbreaking. So many lives ruined; families destroyed. These men seemed, on the surface, to be good guys. Loved their wives; adored their children; and honored God. What happened, and is any man safe from the sin of infidelity? My husband and I often joke that if he thought about food as much as I did, and I thought about sex as much as he did, we'd both be happy. Men and women's needs are so vastly different, you wonder why God created us they way He did and expected us to live together as one. But he did create us differently and he has his reasons and they are wonderful at that, but what about these different needs? The emails Gov. Sanford sent to his mistress were beautiful and moving.....had they only been sent to his wife. Reading them in the context by which they were sent is sickening. He mentions in them that he "did not need love when they first met 15 years ago, but the battle scars of life and aging and politics have worn on and this has become a real need of mine." Men and women's needs are different, and they change over time. Sometimes we don't even know there is a void until someone, or something, starts to fill it. Then we are awakened to what was missing and wondering why our spouse hasn't been filling it. We turn to other people, or things, to fill it. Go all the way back to Genesis. The serpent was more crafty than all the animals God had made and temped Eve. When Eve saw the apple was "good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom" (Gen. 3:6) she ate it. How often we are temped by what feels good to us, is pleasing to us and is desirable. What a deceitful trap the evil one spins for us! He knows what works, even from the beginning, and we keep falling for it. The Lord tells us to "be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8). My word, how many of us have been devoured of late? None of us are immune from the devils plans. Whether it is infidelity, financial struggles, pornography, or emotional needs we are getting met outside of marriage, it is all a sin and we must work hard and pray harder for protection around our husbands, our children and even ourselves. William F. Harley, Jr. has a wonderful website called Marriagebuilders. It is a great resource on the subject of marriage, and infidelity in particular. There also is a wonderful needs survey that I encourage you to take with your spouse. We may think we know what our husband's greatest needs are, but when was the last time we asked them? I used to believe there was some great character flaw in people who cheat. I don't anymore. We tell ourselves that was something "off" about them to make ourselves feel more secure; that it couldn't happen to us. It can. These people are no different from you and me. These wonderful families were not destroyed in a day. The foundation of their marriage was slowly stripped away, brick by brick, by choices that were made. A choice to take the kids to ball practice, again, instead of going out to dinner as a couple. A choice to flirt with a co-worker - it's just innocent fun. A choice to confide in a friend of the opposite sex instead of our spouse or a counselor. A choice to not deal with the needs of our spouse because I have needs too and they aren't getting met. A choice to put my kids, or my job, or my finances ahead of God. A choice to believe my husband will always feel the same about me no matter how I treat him or ignore his needs. A choice to do what feels good instead of what is right. Choices. What choice will I make today? What choice will my husband make today? What choice will you make today? "Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate" (Matthew 19:6).

A painful choice

Our old church is celebrating it's 200th anniversary this year. As part of the celebration, Saturday night the choir had a concert featuring a lot of the church's favorite hymns. Past choir members and their families were invited to come. As my father was the director of the choir for many years, our family was invited. This church holds many memories for me, both good and bad. Rick and I were married in this church. It also is the place we held my father's funeral. I have only been back a few times since the death of my father. Rick and I agreed it would be difficult to go back, but that it was the right thing to do. Saturday night came and as we were getting ready, I decided to pull off the directions to the church from their website. As I was perusing the website, there was listed a bulletin for the evening's songs. I pulled it up and there it was, in black and white, all my dad's favorites. I pictured myself sitting up front with my husband, my mother and my sons listening to these songs sung by my dad's choir and directed by someone else. I pictured trying to be able to hold my emotions together for the 90 minutes this would go on. I thought of sitting there with my boys, trying to explain where their grandfather used to sit; where he would stand; how he would look doing what he loved. I tried to push out of my mind that my father would never throw a ball to his grandsons; never hug them; never tell them he loved them. I thought about my boys and how much they would have adored their grandfather. I walked into our bedroom, handed the list of songs to my husband and started to cry. When I finally pulled it together, I looked up and asked him "what am I supposed to do tonight?" He couldn't answer for me and told me as much. It was my decision, he had said, and he would support me whatever I decided. When a door is closed on a chapter in your life, sometimes you are presented with the unique opportunity to face this door again. Sometimes the door is held open for your return, when you are ready, and all you have to do is walk in. Sometimes you have to search long and hard to find the key to unlock it. Sometimes the door is just there, and all you have to do is turn the knob. I sat there on the bed Saturday night, facing what would be on the other side of that door: seeing old friends who meant so much to my family; memories of our wedding day; honoring the legacy of my father whom I loved so much; and reliving, again, this painful loss. I had every intention of going, and for this post to be filled with pictures of great memories of that night. In the end, I chose not to go. My brother called me that night. He didn't even ponder going - he was not about to return to something so painful. When he found out I changed my mind and wasn't going, the first thing he said to me is "don't feel guilty". He knew. After all these years, he still knew the overwhelming emotion I would have was guilt. I am 40 years old now and still, so many of my choices are made based on other's feelings; what other people deem right. If one person is hurt or upset by what I have done; if only one believes I made the wrong choice, then I feel it is the wrong choice as well. This has been a tough week for me to deal with that personality trait of mine. I still feel it would have been the right thing for me to go and that I missed a blessing. However, this decision was not about what was right or wrong. It came down to strength. I didn't have the strength to revisit these memories. I didn't have the strength to sit and listen to my father's favorite hymns as pictures of him flashed on the screen. I have come to terms with his death and the Lord has healed the hurt of his passing. Going back there for this particular night would have been the equivalent of his funeral all over again. I just couldn't do it. Maybe one day I will be able to. In the meantime, the Lord is teaching me to give a little grace to myself for making a tough choice, all the while learning to extend the same to others. Some decisions are not as simple as we make them; and none of them are black and white.

The truth

Ok, so for the 2 of you who read this regularly, you know the last post was tongue-in-cheek. I am the queen of sarcasm, if nothing else. I have blown the circumstances of what is going on at our church out of proportion to prove how silly we all can be. I will have to say, the vast majority of our church seems to be open to change and are doing whatever they can to stay positive and look ahead instead of looking at what once was. I’m proud of our pastor and our new worship leader. They are often in a no win situation and continue to rise above the petty fray. Yet, the fact that some of this stuff goes on has irritated me and got me thinking. Change is constant, so why do we resist it so much? The one thing that saddens me most is what we might be missing when we refuse to change. My husband has changed over the 22 years I have known him, and while there may be times he and I both wonder what happened to the people we married, we stick it out, work through it, and admire the people we have become instead of comparing who we are to who we were. Thank God my husband does that for me! My children change on a daily basis. Never once do I consider kicking them to the curb or putting them up for adoption (ok, maybe in a brief moment of weakness, but I get over it!). Change is going to happen in your life: your marriage; your job; yes, even your church. The way I see it, I have two choices when facing change. I can grasp on to what I know; what I refuse to change; what is comfortable and familiar. I can grip this with all my might and dig my nails into it and say “this is the right way and I’m not changing”…..and then shudder as I am dragged across the chalkboard of the inevitable changes in my life. Or I can stand, feet firmly planted, on the rock of my foundation. I can stand on the truths that I know and not be tossed by the wind and the waves. I’ve talked about it before, but I hate change. I don’t adapt well. The funny thing is though, the times I have felt closest to the Lord are the times he has plucked me from my nice warm bed of familiarity and thrown me into the icy waters of the unknown. It is then that I need him. It is then that I search him. It is then that I find him. It is then, and only then, that I am able to open my heart and my mind to what his plan is – not mine. It is only by being bounced around in the icy waters that I realize how small I am, and how big he is. That his plans are better than mine. The change in our worship routine has made me examine my own motives for Sunday morning. I’ll be honest, my motives are selfish at times. If our Senior pastor isn’t there, I’m apt to sleep in. I want to be moved; I want to hear from the Lord. But is that what worship is about? Honestly, no. Worship is not about me; it’s about Him. I know we worship in different ways, and I respect that. But when you come to church to be entertained, you’ve missed the point. Everyone has different reasons for attending church. They range from being able to teach children about Jesus to catching up with their friends. None of those things are necessarily wrong. Many of your needs can and should be met by your church. But your reasons for attending Sunday worship should have very little, if at all, to do with you. Worship is about God. Worship is designed to praise the God who made you, to worship the One who gave his life to save you. You should enter into worship with a thankful heart that the God of the universe knows your name and loves you beyond reasoning. When you walk into church with that in mind, does it really matter what the choir is wearing? We are no different than the Israelites marching through the desert. God released them from slavery in Egypt so they could worship him. Did you get that? So they could worship him. They were freed from slavery; had their freedom, yet, what did they do? Complained. Not only did they complain, they compared their current situation with their past. Catching any similarities here? They were free, and yet they whined that they wanted to go back to Egypt so they could eat well. If only they could have trusted God’s plan. If only they could have trusted their leaders. If only they could have stopped complaining for one minute and offered a praise of thanksgiving and a prayer for their leaders and their people. Maybe that’s what we all should do.

No choir robes for the 2nd week in a row! I’m done!

Our church is going through some changes, and I can honestly say, I don’t like them. First off, I have always enjoyed our “traditional” service at 11 a.m., but how can you honestly have a “traditional” service without the “traditional” choir robes? My father was a music minister and I will tell you right now, it is not biblical for people to be standing up in the choir loft praising our Lord in their jeans! For crying out loud! Where is the respect? Where is the reverence? You can’t have a proper service without robes. I can’t even look at all those people in the choir with all their mis-matched clothes; it’s very distracting. And don’t even get me started about the electric guitar. My word. What ever happened to our organ? The older people in our service don’t like it one bit. They shake their grey heads every time the music tarts. I am only 1 of about 6 people in that service under the age of 75 and it’s great. No young families with kids running around making noise other than my own. What am I going to do when all the old people go to a new church? I’m going to be stuck with people my own age – yuck. The new music minister is supposed to be voted in next week. Poor sap. He’d better wear a bullet proof vest and hire a body guard to watch out for him. Those old people may be slow, but they carry weapons. Next to change recently were the bulletins. My husband scoffs every time he sits down in the pew, looks at his bulletin, opens it up and then has to turn it sideways to read it. I personally don’t mind the new bulletins. The way they are folded makes an accordion like toy that our boys love to mimic during service, and I find it handy while making out my grocery list during the sermon (ho-hum). Speaking of the sermon, our pastor last week had the nerve to ask for a huge amount from what’s left of our congregation to update our sound system. Ah, hello, can you say RE-CES-SION!! With half our church leaving to “try out” the new church in Waxhaw, he’s lucky to get any money at all each week. Besides, between the older set with their hearing aides turned down and the Chinese ministry with translaters constantly talking over one another, no one can understand him anyway. It would be a total waste of money in my opinion. And speaking of the new church, who the heck came up with a dumb name like “Five Stones”? Can you imagine telling a stranger that’s where you attend? “Oh, you should check out Five Stones” Wha? The fact that it’s in Waxhaw is a joke. What? Those rich people in Waxhaw can’t drive their BMW’s to Matthews? Too far? Trust me, those people can’t be saved. Might as well save our resources to further educate us Christians who are already attending every Sunday. We have needs too. I guess all this means is that I am unhappy with the way things are going in our church. I’m not the only one. There are petitions to bring back the organ, kick out the pastor, get rid of the hymns and have a “wear your shorts to church on Sunday" once a month. The old folks are ticked off about the music because it's not what they are used to. The younger folks are heading to the loud, highlighted hair, swearing from the pulpit minister down the street because he uses flashy lights and cool music and makes them feel good about themselves. The in-betweens are heading to the new church because they need a change and don't realize how much work they are going to be asked to do. Where does that leave me? I think it’s time for me to try the church down the street. I hear they give biscuits to new visitors. I like biscuits and my church has never given me biscuits. It might be worth a shot. *for those of you reading this for the first time, please be sure and check out Part 2 entitled "The Truth" posted above.

Keeping your children safe on the computer

A while back we had a bird make a nest in our front yard. I couldn't tell what it was so I went searching the Internet. Innocently, I typed in "black and white striped bird". The first several pictures were exactly what I was searching for.....then there were a few that were NOT what I was searching for. Unfortunately, my 9 year old and his buddy were standing behind me when these images appeared. Not exactly porn came up, but certainly nothing I wanted my 9 year old to see. This really got me thinking. My children are on this computer a few times a week researching projects and playing games. All sites have already been looked at by me, but I started to wonder, what if they accidentally typed in the wrong word or letter? What could pop up? About a month ago, I was on Lysa Terkeurst's site and she was interviewing Clay Crosse. He is a Christian singer who has struggled in the past with pornography. I remember all the great advice he gave about his struggles, and since I am raising boys I didn't want to bury my head in the sand about this issue. I went to his site and found a great tool to block unwanted images and sites from our computer. He recommended BSafe and Covenant Eyes Internet filters. I bought BSafe and I must say, it's been great. I have to type in a password even to get to my People magazine page. It was done a great job at filtering unwanted ads (that even on Fox.com can be questionable for little eyes) without filtering the actual content of the site. If the site, however, is questionable, it blocks it and you have to put in a password. We also can put in a list of approved sites that will come up without a password. Of course, sites that are not questionable, like Charlotte.com and Playhousedisney come up without a problem. We always monitor the boys when they are on the Internet, but it makes me feel better knowing I have one more layer of protection for my family. I mean, if I can type in something innocently and something bad comes up, my boys are apt to do it as well.