Thanks, but no...

I was in Brueggers the other day getting my normal sausage, egg & cheese bagel and large iced tea with my youngest. I used to get him a chocolate milk and we would sit together and eat and talk before school. But it wasn't long before I realized that drinking chocolate milk that early in the morning makes him mean. Really mean. So I stopped getting it and we do 1/2 apple juice, 1/2 water now. Well yesterday he must have remembered "hey, this is where I used to get chocolate milk" and started crying for it. He cried all through the line and checkout "Mommy, pwease, I want my chocate mulk...!" The two ladies in front of me kept looking at him and laughing and saying "oh, how sweet..." and "he's so cute". Well by the time we were leaving, the one lady turned to me and said "can I please buy him some chocolate milk? He is breaking my heart." I laughed at her and said "only if you want to deal with him in 45 minutes when the sugar kicks in." She laughed understandably and went back to her friend. After I left the store, I wondered what she possibly thought of me as a mother to have offered such a thing. I mean, here I am with bagel and a huge iced tea when my child is crying for something I won't give him. Did she think I was just a horrible mother? Maybe the thought didn't cross her mind at all. I vowed to myself never to judge another mother in the way she handles her children. You don't know what they are like, what they have been like that day or what works on them and what doesn't. Only a mother knows. And unless a family looks hungry, I vow never to offer to buy a 3 year old chocolate milk.

Be strong and take heart

Psalm 31:24 states "be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord". I had a light-bulb moment the other day in regards to hope. My hope has always been in the Lord, but more in an eternal life sort of way. I knew that no matter what happened to me here on earth, my hope was in the Lord that I would live with him forever in heaven. I can honestly say for the better part of my life though, my day to day hope has been in myself, my husband, my job, my kids, my bank account. Sure I have hope in Him for the big stuff, but not the daily things. Until now. There is something about the possibility of having your life as you know it turned upside down that gives you new perspective. These last few weeks should have kept me in bed crying all day. My son starting school, DH job issues, leadership challenges for me, house issues. Remarkably though, I have been at peace. No wait, not just at peace, but happy.....and hopeful. This marathon we've been running has been exhausting for our family. Many times we have wanted to throw in the towel and lay down on the pavement crying "I quit!" But there is something about seeing that finish line that gives you renewed strength. Vigor to keep going. It's the hope I have in Jesus. "And we know that in all things God works for those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28. I know that God is working all of this because he loves us, and we have committed our ways before him. God has placed in our hearts a vision for our family that doesn't match up to how we are living. Those changes are coming, and the hope I have through the difficult times is that Jesus is with me in the daily things; the little and the big decisions. My time with Him is precious to me now and He is showing me glimpses every day of how our life is going to be on this new path He is placing us. That is the hope we have in Jesus. I get it now.

School has begun

My oldest started school this week and there have been a lot of tears. Today was much better though as I think he is actually liking it. It's amazing the lengths we go to, though, to re-direct our children. My son has a tendency to exaggerate the negative in certain situations and this was one of those weeks. I wouldn't call it drama....but close. During one of his crying/whining fits, my husband and I both reminded him of how thankful he should be - he knows everyone in his grade, he has great teachers, he gets to learn about God freely, his younger brother will be there next week, all his friends are there, etc., etc. When that didn't work, I pulled out all the stops. I reminded him of the two African boys we sponsor. These sweet boys go to a Christian school in Kenya and we correspond to them all the time. Their parents are deceased and when they start school in the fall, they are there until Christmas break. Period. No going home at night, no mother to cuddle up next to when they are scared, no tv shows to veg out in front of after school. But these boys are thankful. Every time I get a letter from them I am amazed at how much they love the Lord, how thankful they are to have so little, and how extremely intelligent they are. I always read these letters to my son, so I reminded him yesterday of Joseph and Raphael in Africa. I reminded him to think of them today instead of himself. I asked him to pray for them when he felt sad, and I told him to be thankful that at 3 p.m. he gets to come home with me. Today there were no tears.

The end of summer...

Today marks the last weekday of summer for us. We hit the ground running tomorrow with my oldest son's school open house. Our church is having a big open house for it's new building as well this weekend which we are involved in so we'll be there all day Saturday and Sunday. School begins on Monday and we're back into the routine. I've talked to many of my friends and as I see it, we're broken off into two camps. 1) those that are ready for school to start...."sooooo ready" in the words of one of my closest friends, and 2) those that are sad to see it all begin again. I have to admit I am leaning more on the latter. I miss my son when he is gone, and I can't decide who will be crying more on Monday, me or him. I hate getting up early and having to be somewhere by a certain time. The endless hours in the car, back and forth are something I don't look forward to either. The one thing I won't miss is refereeing my boys because they've had a little too much "together" time. I know that by next weekend though I will be glad to have a routine again. This is the day I look back over the summer and reflect on what was done, and what wasn't. I ask the questions "did I spend enough time with them, did they have enough activities; do enough reading, how much did they learn and how much did they enjoy themselves over the summer"? I really don't have the answers to all of it really. All I can do is pray every day for God's wisdom and guidance in raising these sweet boys He gave us. I can't compare what my family did to another. We're not them and they are not us. That is the fastest way to discontentment. No, all I can do is what God has asked of me for MY children. I feel good about this summer and hopefully my boys do too. I pray they look back on this summer when they are older and have fond memories.....and not something they need to talk to a therapist about!

I am a type A, controlling person; I'll admit it. No shocking news there. But what I find interesting is how much I think I control everything about myself and those around me. I don't think I'm out of the ordinary in this. There are some of us that take credit for the good and take none of the blame for the bad. There are those where the opposite it true. Then there are the few that say "God allowed this blessing" AND "God allowed this suffering" without taking any credit or blame. When you look through the bible on suffering or hardships, there are several accounts of people that brought on their own suffering - David comes to mind. Peter also is one I think of. Peter denied Jesus 3 times and I would imagine suffered greatly in spirit for his denial. Then there are those that suffering was allowed to come upon them by no fault of their own. So many, in fact. The obvious, Job, but then there is Joseph, the Apostle Paul, John the Baptist. Jesus. Jesus. The one without sin, the one whom no one can say - "well, if He had only done this, he would be alive today". He was perfect, without sin, and yet, He suffered more than anyone. The sin of the world was laid upon him and God turned His face away. There is no greater suffering than that. When I compare my suffering to Jesus, there is no comparison. Why is it then, when things aren't going well, or I feel God's presence has vanished, that I believe it's something I have done. Granted, there are times when I have willingly walked into sin - and paid for it. But honestly, looking back, most times God has rescued me from my sin, not punished me for it. Jesus did no wrong, and yet suffered for us all. Going back to Peter. I love the story of Peter. He denied Jesus 3 times, and yet, when Jesus was resurrected, the angel in the tomb told Mary to go and tell the disciples...and Peter. He specifically called Peter by name. He must have known that Peter no longer felt he was a disciple of Jesus after denying Him 3 times. But what a beautiful story of God's grace and abundant love. I often think of Peter when I am feeling a distance from God that I am blaming on myself. I love the Lord for including that story in His word for us.

It's getting worse...

The doctor told me this was going to happen and not to freak out......whatever. To see my poor baby's eyes turn black and blue is heartbreaking. The only thing that is saving me at this point is the fact that he is happy and acting normally. The bruises will go away, thankfully.

The Lemonade Stand

I'm watching my 7 year old son sitting at the end of our driveway at his little red table trying to sell ice cold water and pepsi (it's all we had!). He's been at it for 30 minutes with not a single car coming by. My son has big plans and I didn't want to discourage him, but he's got several things going against him. 1. We live on a cul-de-sac. 2. The few neighbors that live on this street are out of town. He was so excited to do it, I didn't have the heart to burst his bubble before he even got started. I did, however, convince him that $6 for a cup of Pepsi was too high. As I watch him sit out there in 100 degree heat, my heart aches for him. He insisted on doing it now instead of waiting until tomorrow and planning it out more. He's not completed hard-headed; he was, at least, willing to take other advice like lowering the price of his drinks. As I watch my sweet boy sweating out there, I think of my Father who looks at me so often with an aching heart too. How many times I insist on doing it my way, TODAY, no planning, no asking Him for help or if this is even what I should do. But as I watch my little boy, I am so filled with pride and love for him. He's trying at least, and he hasn't once come in and said "I quit". I am understanding more by watching him, how much God's love for me transcends my mistakes, and even if I didn't do it the "right way", He still is loving me and supporting me.

Answered Prayer

A couple weeks ago I posted about a friend of mine whose son was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I am happy to report today that his tumor has been removed and there will be no further treatment. According to the surgeon, once he reached the tumor he was prepared to spend 2-3 hours getting it out. Once there, he touched the tumor and it "fell out". How awesome the power of God is and His love of His children. My friend's son still needs prayer as his vision needs to correct itself. But the doctors are pretty sure it will get back to normal once the medication wears off. Praise God for hearing all the prayers lifted up for this little boy!

Frog on my toilet

Yeah, that's right. You heard me. This morning I went into the bathroom and saw something strange on the back of the toilet. Seriously thinking one of the boys put a rock there (and mumbling under my breath about their constant fascination with rocks) I proceeded to move it. Then it moved. I'm not ashamed to admit that I screamed like a 3 year old girl. And, for what ever reason, yelled for my 7 year old.....I guess it is primitive nature that the closest male should remove such things and since DH had already left for work, he was it. He wasn't going near it - but thought it was cool nonetheless. Being the wimp that I am, I emptied out a box, grabbed the nearest thing I could poke him with and coaxed him in to the box - all the while feeling like I was going to throw up. I dumped him outside. At least DH had a good laugh over it...and proceeded to call me several hours later saying "ribbit, ribbit". He's on the couch tonight.

ROCKY, age 3

My poor little Jace. After falling 3 times in the mountains this weekend, this is the end result. Believe it or not, he looks better today than yesterday. Big bruise on the forehead, swollen eyes, cut lip and banged up nose. The pediatrician said he is fine, but the black and blue eyes are only going to get worse. Thank God he is ok, though, and he is certainly acting like his normal chipper self! Mommy, however, is still dealing with guilt.

"Expect Delays"

We took a drive up to the mountains this weekend to escape the 100+ degree weather. The roads leading there are basically being redone and it will be wonderful once they are finished....if I am still alive by then. On the way home, there were signs along the highway - obvious signs of road construction. But the one that got my attention was the one that said "Expect Delays". Here it was, in big bold letters on an orange sign telling me to prepare myself. I wondered the point of this sign - was it so anyone who wasn't ready to sit in traffic could find another way? Or was there another reason? I had this mental image in my mind of people sitting in long hours of traffic and yelling out their window at the construction workers because of it, and then the men working yelling back -"no, no, no, we told you back about a mile to expect this....don't be yelling at us". It struck me as funny then, but as we drove I noticed that I was "expecting delays". I was waiting for that traffic jam around the next bend. It didn't cause me to be anxious - quite the opposite. I was better prepared for it. The delays didn't happen; thankfully we left at a good time. But I kept wondering how wonderful it would be if I would "expect delays" in other areas of my life. I know my patience level would be much higher. I need an "expect delays" sign as we start to leave the house....to go anywhere.....any time of day. Expect that my 3 year old will have to go to the bathroom; expect that my 7 year old won't be able to find his shoes. What about an "expect delays" sign anytime we eat? Someone always has to go to the bathroom the minute the food arrives (and why is that really!?) I also should "expect delays" in answers to prayer at times. It's not about my timing, it's about His. I want it now, I want to know the answer now. The flip side of that is to "Expect God". Expect that He is coming; expect that the answer is just right around the corner; expect that the blessing is just up over the hill. Expectancy can be a true gift, if you are expecting the best from a loving God.

Just for Fun Friday

Ok, it's not Friday yet, but we're going out of town so I am doing it a little early! All the boys (mine and my brothers), minus baby Conley! Love the ice cream at the ball park! The beautiful homes at Stonegrove in southwest Charlotte. My husband and his team have worked hard on this project - and it shows.

Mommy are you happy?

My 3 year old has been asking me this lately. Every day "Mommy, are you happy?" DH and I have been trying to figure out where he got it from. He also asks how my day is and if he can shake my hand (I think this all stems from him watching his daddy). But I can tell you this, when he looks up at me with that sweet face of his and in his tiny voice asks "Are you happy today Mommy"? How could I not be!

The sluggard in me

We had the great privilege of hearing my brother speak at his church this Sunday. The pastor of West Cabarrus Church in Concord was doing a wonderful series on wellness. This Sunday was about our physical health. Since this is my brothers area of expertise, the pastor asked him to speak for a few minutes and I must admit, I don't know that I have ever been more proud of him. He did a fantastic job and so much of what he and the pastor said that day resonated with me throughout this week. I never would have considered myself lazy. I work part time for an investment company, handle all the office work for my husband's cleaning business, coordinate a MOPS program at church, lead a neighborhood bible study, and, oh yeah, raise 2 kids under the age of 7 and try to squeeze in time to be a wife to my wonderful husband. But something the pastor said that day hit me. He referenced Proverbs 22:13 where they sluggard says "there is a lion outside, I will be murdered in the streets". Now, I remember very well a lot of scripture regarding sluggards, but this wasn't one of them. The pastor related it to himself as he makes excuses not to walk every day. "I can't walk tonight, there might be a rabid squirrel out there!" was one example he gave in referencing the scripture. I have thought long and hard about that. How many times I say to myself, "it's too hot to run" or "it's too late" or "I'll do it tomorrow". Literally I saw a racoon one night and that kept me in for the next few days! How many times I've been angry at my husband for not getting home on time for me to go out, when in reality it was my choice not to go run by the time he got home. So last night, after dinner, I ran. I was tired, I was full from dinner and just wanted to veg out and watch a movie with the kids before bedtime, but I went. Normally I don't run at night, but I remembered what that pastor said and what my brother said - where is my thought process when it comes to my health? I realize now that my thought process about excersize and my health has to change. It has to start somewhere, and last night it started for me.

Surrender

Several years ago my husband and I took the Crown Financial study course at our church. It helped us in many areas, but the one thing I remember most about that course when it comes to our finances is this - none of it is ours. God has given us the responsibility to be good stewards of the gifts he has given us, but they are His. This applies to all things: the house, the car, the colorless den furniture I regret buying. It also applies to my husband, my children...me. I remember at one point during that course we were to acknowledge that all these things are from the Lord and are His. We were to do it in whatever way we chose. I decided the only way I could do it was to walk around my house, lay my hands on "my" possessions, and say "Lord, this home is yours. Thank you for blessing us with it. May you use your house to bring you glory". I did pretty good until I got to my kids who were peacefully sleeping upstairs. To lay your hands on your child and give him or her to the Lord, and I mean completely, was hard for me. It was the beginning of realizing how little I trusted the One who loved me most. The Lord has kept me on my knees more in the last month than I can ever recall. But through it, He is showing me that He can be trusted. Last week I was struggling with how to pray. The balance between praying for what I want, what I believe is His will, versus asking for His will to be done even if that contradicts what I am asking, is difficult. There are times in my life I have prayed so fervently for things and God has graciously answered my prayers. But then there are other times when I have prayed fervently, wasn't getting any answers, and then conceded to pray for His will. There was one time in my life when conceding to His will devastated me. My prayer life has never been the same. Hence, I have a hard time letting go - relinquishing my will for His. There are some bumps coming in the road and I can see them. I try not to be frightened, for I know He will meet our needs. Yet, I don't like change. No, actually, I hate change. I don't want my lifestyle to change, and hopefully it won't. But the Lord is teaching me to pray for his perfect will. That the plan He laid out for me before I was born to come to fruition. I personally am a big fan of his permissive will instead - the one where He answers our prayers because it's what we want and because He loves us so much. There have been times in my life the Lord has allowed things that I know weren't in His perfect plan for me. I'm tired of having 2nd or 3rd best though, I want THE best, the perfect plan for my life and those of my family. The only way to have that is to pray for His will to be done in my life - and then listen to what He is telling me. Ok Lord, I'm listening, and surrendering all this "stuff" that is yours anyway. You can do what you want with me.

The things we want that cause us pain

With the first day of school just around the corner, we went shopping the other day for new shoes for my 7 year old. Upon arriving at the store, he found a pair he absolutely had to have. Thankfully they were on clearance, but I wasn't too sure about how well made they were. The salesman's attempt to convince me they were good by telling me they were one of the most popular shoes they have did not appease my concern. Thankfully my husband arrived, and upon further examination he didn't feel good about it either. Here is the problem we come up against with our children. When do we let them decide and live with the consequences, and when do we over-rule them? I am big on over-ruling at this point. He's only 7. But he really wanted them, they fit, and were on clearance, so against our better judgement we let him get them. He was thrilled. Until the next day. After wearing them for less than 24 hours, I noticed he was taking them off. He said they made his feet itchy. What he was actually scratching were blisters that were starting to form. Needless to say I was miffed. I told him if they were going to continue to hurt his feet, he wasn't going to be able to wear them. Of course he started to cry and said how much he loved them, and tried to convince me his feet were only itchy. This became a great opportunity for a life lesson and I'm glad I took the time to hear the Lord on this one. I lovingly tried to explain to my son that although he loves his new shoes very much, after a few days and maybe weeks of wearing them and having them hurt his feet, he will not love them quite as much. He disagreed. I reminded him of a friend he had that he wanted to play with so badly every day, and every day he would play with him and that friend would hurt his feelings. This "friend" would put him down, or just downright say he didn't want to play with him that day. He would come in crying or upset and I would always tell him he had a choice. It was up to him if he wanted to have a "friend" like that who was going to treat him so badly. After a while, my son stopped playing with him. God will allow us to do the same. He will let us make bad choices, knowing full well we are going to get hurt, but hopefully through the pain we will learn the lesson. We allowed our son to get these shoes, and in the end it probably isn't going to be a happy ending for him. He will get another pair of shoes that will fit well and he'll move on. But I hope that through this he will always remember that he has a choice, whether it be in relationships or monetary things. If you want something so badly, but it is causing you that much pain or turmoil, look to the Father for answers first, but it just may be time to let it go.

Me and Debra Barone

I've been praying a lot and thinking a lot about our family. The things about it that work well, and the things that need improvement. I can honestly say after the trip to the hospital the other night, I have been appreciating the time I have with my kids and my husband more. I am amazed though at how fast I can lose focus on the great qualities of my family and focus on the negative things about them. I left that hospital so thankful for my husband and so full of love for him. So grateful he was ok. But by the time we got to bed that night I was already frustrated with him again. I assumed because it was so late (early the next morning actually) and he had such a bad headache, he would sleep in and go to work later. So I said "you don't have your alarm set do you"? "Yes" was his response. "I have a meeting in the morning". That's when my alter ego Debra Barone came out. Remember her from "Everybody Loves Raymond"? Man I love that show. It still is one of my favorites. I didn't throw a hissy fit like I could have (I was too tired), I just said "idiot" in my head and then proceeded to fume as I rolled over. That got me thinking the next day about how much (or little) I am actually honoring my husband. I'm not saying he didn't deserve the "idiot" thought, because the man needs rest...lots of it, and I thought that just this once, after a scare like that, he would take the time to get it. He didn't. But I can't control him. God doesn't tell me to control him. If I recall correctly, our wedding vows were not to "love, honor, and control", it was cherish. I should love him when he gets home late; love him when doesn't do what I think he should do, love him....love him. The comment he made to me that night (see post below) really has stuck with me. That is not the legacy I want to leave behind. If something were to happen to me tomorrow, I would want my husband and my children to know without a doubt how much I cherish them; how deeply I love them. And not the "I know deep down she loved me" sort of legacy. I want the "she told me every day and showed me every day how much she loved me". No question. No doubt. I loved them with all my heart. The Lord is revealing to me this week His love: how much He loves me, and how little I accept that love. I accept what Christ did for me, but the love in which He sacrificed for all is hard for a sinner like me to accept. I take His love more as a quick hug and kiss on the cheek like you would get from a great-aunt. That's not God's love. The only thing I can compare it to is the hug I got from my dad once. It was the night before my wedding and I was going to bed. My dad was a man of very few words but a huge heart. I got up to go to bed and he walked over and wrapped his arms around me. We stood there hugging each other in total silence for what seemed like an eternity. In that hug I felt all the love a father could have for his daughter, all the sacrifices he made, all the times he encouraged me, the pride he had for me that I was constantly aware of, the times he put up with my adolescent immaturity, and the times he didn't. In one hug I knew that everything was going to be ok, because my dad loved me and was there for me. After our hug he told me he loved me. I still remember how I felt that night, some 15 years later. Even now that my dad is gone, I still can feel his love. If you can't accept the deep love of God through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, and I mean the overwhelming feeling of being loved by the One who made you and has paid the greatest price to save you from your own sin, there is no way you can express that outwardly. God is teaching me that this week. Less of me, more of Him....and show it. Especially to the ones I love most.

Life in the ER

We had a scare the other night. First off, everyone is fine. My husband was working late and called to say his vision was acting "weird". Waviness, flashes of light, headache. It's odd how when something like that happens we think the worst, or at least I do. Any little pain with me and I'm sure it's cancer....not just a pulled muscle. But with a history in his family of brain aneurysms and tumors, we did have some justification for worry. My husband felt bad enough to go to the ER, which for me was a sure sign something was wrong. The short of it is he had a migraine...his first ever. But on the drive over to the hospital still not knowing what was wrong, with the boys silent in the middle row of our van, I had enough time to go from total peace that he was going to be ok and this was nothing, to how I was going to raise these boys without him....and then back again. Seeing him on the gurney in a hospital gown scared me to death and made me realize how quickly our lives can change. I held it together that night, but the next day I couldn't stop crying. I am not a crier. I hate it. It makes me feel out of control and that is something I am not comfortable with. So to cry all day is totally out of character for me. I cried out to the Lord to show me what we are supposed to take from this and why I was falling apart all day. We have been struggling so much with finding balance - what should stay in our lives and what needs to go. Was this some sign from God to give up something...or was it just an attack from the enemy who wants us to live in fear? I still don't know yet. My husband is fine. Thank God. And through that scare he said something that made me comforted and sad all at the same time. He told me that night when he saw so much concern on my face for him, he realized how much I loved him. I'm glad he felt that, but it made me wonder what I am doing (or not doing) that he doesn't know that every other day of his life.