I've been pondering this thought for a few weeks now. This summer we've had a lot of time to spend with family and friends. I've gotten into deep conversations with some of them about how their lives, and the lives of their families, have changed over the years....and how they have not.
Take for instance a friend of ours from Rick's Chapel Hill days. He was a mess in college (and shortly thereafter) because of all the family turmoil at home. Our friend did well in school, despite it, but he grew angry and bitter over how his parents treated him. It took him down roads that were quite long and hard to return from. We had dinner with him this weekend and I must say, I am so proud of him. He has a great apartment and a car that is paid off. He works for a great company training the disabled so they can get jobs. A true miracle.
I also talked to a girlfriend last week who told me how her brother is a miracle story. After years of blaming his parents, and running up a nauseating amount of gambling debts, his parents sent him to rehab and then told him "this is it. You don't get your life straight after this, we are at peace that we have done everything for you." His mother, in a beautiful expression of trust in her heavenly father, laid her son at Jesus' feet. And walked away. He's a miracle. All cleaned up, and in a great relationship with his family now.
So these conversations and other things that have happened over the summer have made me wonder
Do people really change and if so, what elements have to be there in order to make it happen?
There are a few things I noticed that were present in the lives of these people that helped them change their life:
1. God. It may sound simplistic, but no real, permanent change can come without a relationship with the one who created you. You can't do change, no matter how big or small, without him. Knowing who He is, how much he loves you is key. You also have to surround yourself with a bible study and a church family to balance you out. You can read the bible all you want - and you should - but it helps tremendously to hear someone translate certain things and have someone to go to for answers.
2. Humility. "But with humility comes wisdom" Proverbs 11:2. What a beautiful verse! This goes hand in hand with God. You can have God in your life, but if you're still "I'm right, everyone else is wrong" you'll get nowhere. If you think you have all the answers, you're not prone to listen to others, much less God. You hear your own voice and not others. Change doesn't work like that. You have to see there's a problem and know you need help. That's what being on your knees is all about.
3. Circle of Influence. This is a big one. If you're still hanging out with your drinking buddies and you're trying to stop drinking, guess what? Won't happen. Same goes for negativity, drugs, gambling, eating disorders, etc. Whatever it is, if you are still spending time with people that bring you down and don't encourage you, you'll never pull out of the mud. This can be really hard, because your friends or your family are familiar; they are comfortable. Not many people like to make new friends or join a new group when they are in the midst of change. But it is vitally important if you're going to do it. You have to surround yourself with people you want to become. Christ loving people. People that can help you, pray for you, and by the way they live - show you a different way to go about life.
4. Forgiveness. "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Col. 3:13 To me, forgiveness is the single most important thing you can do to change your life (with the exception of accepting Christ). It also is the hardest. The people we are called to forgive usually are the ones we scream
"but they are supposed to asking ME for forgiveness!" Think about Jesus for a moment. If anyone in history had a right to say this, he did. He was perfect; without sin. The Savior of the world. The Son of God. He had come to save them all. Yet there he was, mocked, beaten, and hung on a cross to die. What did Jesus say when he was dying on the cross?
"Forgive them Father". He, who was without sin, forgave. Who are we
not to forgive? We are sinful people who are saved by one thing and one thing only - grace. Jesus didn't die so you can keep beating yourself up for past mistakes. He also didn't die so you could continue to blame your parents for not raising you right, or your boss for not valuing you, or your husband for not spending enough time with you.
You see, the thing about
unforgiveness is that it turns into resentment and then bitterness. You think you are punishing the people you hate by your anger, but in the end you drink the poison you poured for them. The people you are angry with go about their days, unfazed by, and sometimes even totally unaware, of your feelings. Even if you manage to effect them by your actions, no one is hurt more by bitterness than the one who holds it. The flip side of holding on to
unforgiveness is that one day, you'll have to ask the one you hate and have been harboring resentment towards, to forgive
you.
I once heard somewhere that total forgiveness of someone means that you can invite them into your house for dinner. I don't buy that. Not entirely anyway. I have a family member that I loved growing up as a child, but that person can be very ugly to me now that we are older. I have forgiven them for how they have behaved in the past, but I don't want them in my life on a
consistent basis. It is only when they are with another family member that I have to deal with them. I don't want to subject myself, or my family to their behavior. Does that mean I don't forgive them? No. But their behavior hasn't changed and it's a cycle I won't continue with them.
I go back to our friend from college. He has forgiven his parents for the mistakes they made, but they haven't changed. They still make decisions that infuriate him. But he keeps his distance. He'll send them a card or maybe spend a few hours with them at Christmas, but that's it. He has created a comfortable emotional and physical distance from them in order to keep his sanity.
Change is hard, but worth it in the end. What a beautiful
testament to what God can do when someone looks to Him to change their life. I have seen so many people, their lives ruined because of destructive, repetitive behavior that they refuse to change.
What about you? Do you know someone who has changed that you maybe thought never would? What things were present in their life that facilitated that change? I'd love to hear about it.
