Remembering Dad

Today is All Saints Day - otherwise known as Halloween.  I will have plenty of pictures to post of the kids later on this evening, but right now I am thinking of my dad.  Halloween originally began as All Saints Day - a way for the church to remember those that have passed away the year before.  It's been many years since my dad went to heaven, but today I am thinking of him, and wondering what might have been.


In a perfect world that I could create, my dad would be at Target right now with my mom, loading up on candy for his 6 grandkids who would be stopping by later today all dressed up in their costumes.  In perfect health, he would no doubt be sampling all the candy first, just to make sure it was ok for his precious grandchildren.  He would be looking forward to this day for weeks.

But my dad is not here, and I have struggled, and continue to struggle with the reasons why.  I miss him a lot and wonder what he would think of his family that has continued on without his guidance.

No doubt he would be proud of his wife.  How my mother has continued on without him amazes me.  She has a strength I don't have.  She made a career for herself after my dad died; purchased a wonderful home; stayed active in her community despite insurmountable obstacles in front of her; and found strength in her friends.  In spite of working tremendous hours and sometimes being treated unfairly by her own family, she continues to have hope that her own children - and her relationship with them - can be different than what she had.  Her children don't always see how hard she tries, but no doubt my father does - and he must be proud.

My father would be amazed at my brother.  To see him teaching and raising a family of his own would bring my dad such joy.  It is when I think of my brother that I miss my dad the most.  I see the impact my dad had on my brother, and if he were still here what that would do for him.  He would be at every ball game and school function he could.  He'd be there for advice and comfort and an understanding you can only get from your father.  I know he is proud of him. 

It's easy for me to sit and wonder how perfect everything would be if he were still here.  We'd all get together for every holiday.  We'd see each other all the time and enjoy each others company.  That is only in my dreams.  My dad was in a lot of pain when he died.  That is the reality of it.  It's also the reality that God took him home, and I can't argue with God anymore.   The influence of my father never dies.  He isn't here anymore to influence my children and my brother's children - but I am.  Rick is.  Matt is.  My mother is.  The only way that my children are going to be influenced today by my father is through my family.  I want to spend time with my brother and his family because I love them.  If they get a glimpse of who their grandpa was while I am with them, then that is a bonus.  I want my brother to be a part of my childrens lives for the same reasons.

Today I am missing my dad.  I am remembering a time when my brother and I were little and we went out trick-or-treating freezing our tails off in rural PA.  I am missing coming home to him as a little girl with my pumpkin full of candy and my father telling my brother and I to dump it all out on the floor so he could see it.  Being naive enough to think that he just wanted to see how much we got - until realizing the next morning that most of the good stuff was gone.  Eaten by a loving father who had a weakness for chocolate, and no doubt had to test it to make sure it was ok for his precious children.  I miss you Dad.