Thanks, but no...

I was in Brueggers the other day getting my normal sausage, egg & cheese bagel and large iced tea with my youngest. I used to get him a chocolate milk and we would sit together and eat and talk before school. But it wasn't long before I realized that drinking chocolate milk that early in the morning makes him mean. Really mean. So I stopped getting it and we do 1/2 apple juice, 1/2 water now. Well yesterday he must have remembered "hey, this is where I used to get chocolate milk" and started crying for it. He cried all through the line and checkout "Mommy, pwease, I want my chocate mulk...!" The two ladies in front of me kept looking at him and laughing and saying "oh, how sweet..." and "he's so cute". Well by the time we were leaving, the one lady turned to me and said "can I please buy him some chocolate milk? He is breaking my heart." I laughed at her and said "only if you want to deal with him in 45 minutes when the sugar kicks in." She laughed understandably and went back to her friend. After I left the store, I wondered what she possibly thought of me as a mother to have offered such a thing. I mean, here I am with bagel and a huge iced tea when my child is crying for something I won't give him. Did she think I was just a horrible mother? Maybe the thought didn't cross her mind at all. I vowed to myself never to judge another mother in the way she handles her children. You don't know what they are like, what they have been like that day or what works on them and what doesn't. Only a mother knows. And unless a family looks hungry, I vow never to offer to buy a 3 year old chocolate milk.

Be strong and take heart

Psalm 31:24 states "be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord". I had a light-bulb moment the other day in regards to hope. My hope has always been in the Lord, but more in an eternal life sort of way. I knew that no matter what happened to me here on earth, my hope was in the Lord that I would live with him forever in heaven. I can honestly say for the better part of my life though, my day to day hope has been in myself, my husband, my job, my kids, my bank account. Sure I have hope in Him for the big stuff, but not the daily things. Until now. There is something about the possibility of having your life as you know it turned upside down that gives you new perspective. These last few weeks should have kept me in bed crying all day. My son starting school, DH job issues, leadership challenges for me, house issues. Remarkably though, I have been at peace. No wait, not just at peace, but happy.....and hopeful. This marathon we've been running has been exhausting for our family. Many times we have wanted to throw in the towel and lay down on the pavement crying "I quit!" But there is something about seeing that finish line that gives you renewed strength. Vigor to keep going. It's the hope I have in Jesus. "And we know that in all things God works for those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28. I know that God is working all of this because he loves us, and we have committed our ways before him. God has placed in our hearts a vision for our family that doesn't match up to how we are living. Those changes are coming, and the hope I have through the difficult times is that Jesus is with me in the daily things; the little and the big decisions. My time with Him is precious to me now and He is showing me glimpses every day of how our life is going to be on this new path He is placing us. That is the hope we have in Jesus. I get it now.

School has begun

My oldest started school this week and there have been a lot of tears. Today was much better though as I think he is actually liking it. It's amazing the lengths we go to, though, to re-direct our children. My son has a tendency to exaggerate the negative in certain situations and this was one of those weeks. I wouldn't call it drama....but close. During one of his crying/whining fits, my husband and I both reminded him of how thankful he should be - he knows everyone in his grade, he has great teachers, he gets to learn about God freely, his younger brother will be there next week, all his friends are there, etc., etc. When that didn't work, I pulled out all the stops. I reminded him of the two African boys we sponsor. These sweet boys go to a Christian school in Kenya and we correspond to them all the time. Their parents are deceased and when they start school in the fall, they are there until Christmas break. Period. No going home at night, no mother to cuddle up next to when they are scared, no tv shows to veg out in front of after school. But these boys are thankful. Every time I get a letter from them I am amazed at how much they love the Lord, how thankful they are to have so little, and how extremely intelligent they are. I always read these letters to my son, so I reminded him yesterday of Joseph and Raphael in Africa. I reminded him to think of them today instead of himself. I asked him to pray for them when he felt sad, and I told him to be thankful that at 3 p.m. he gets to come home with me. Today there were no tears.

The end of summer...

Today marks the last weekday of summer for us. We hit the ground running tomorrow with my oldest son's school open house. Our church is having a big open house for it's new building as well this weekend which we are involved in so we'll be there all day Saturday and Sunday. School begins on Monday and we're back into the routine. I've talked to many of my friends and as I see it, we're broken off into two camps. 1) those that are ready for school to start...."sooooo ready" in the words of one of my closest friends, and 2) those that are sad to see it all begin again. I have to admit I am leaning more on the latter. I miss my son when he is gone, and I can't decide who will be crying more on Monday, me or him. I hate getting up early and having to be somewhere by a certain time. The endless hours in the car, back and forth are something I don't look forward to either. The one thing I won't miss is refereeing my boys because they've had a little too much "together" time. I know that by next weekend though I will be glad to have a routine again. This is the day I look back over the summer and reflect on what was done, and what wasn't. I ask the questions "did I spend enough time with them, did they have enough activities; do enough reading, how much did they learn and how much did they enjoy themselves over the summer"? I really don't have the answers to all of it really. All I can do is pray every day for God's wisdom and guidance in raising these sweet boys He gave us. I can't compare what my family did to another. We're not them and they are not us. That is the fastest way to discontentment. No, all I can do is what God has asked of me for MY children. I feel good about this summer and hopefully my boys do too. I pray they look back on this summer when they are older and have fond memories.....and not something they need to talk to a therapist about!

I am a type A, controlling person; I'll admit it. No shocking news there. But what I find interesting is how much I think I control everything about myself and those around me. I don't think I'm out of the ordinary in this. There are some of us that take credit for the good and take none of the blame for the bad. There are those where the opposite it true. Then there are the few that say "God allowed this blessing" AND "God allowed this suffering" without taking any credit or blame. When you look through the bible on suffering or hardships, there are several accounts of people that brought on their own suffering - David comes to mind. Peter also is one I think of. Peter denied Jesus 3 times and I would imagine suffered greatly in spirit for his denial. Then there are those that suffering was allowed to come upon them by no fault of their own. So many, in fact. The obvious, Job, but then there is Joseph, the Apostle Paul, John the Baptist. Jesus. Jesus. The one without sin, the one whom no one can say - "well, if He had only done this, he would be alive today". He was perfect, without sin, and yet, He suffered more than anyone. The sin of the world was laid upon him and God turned His face away. There is no greater suffering than that. When I compare my suffering to Jesus, there is no comparison. Why is it then, when things aren't going well, or I feel God's presence has vanished, that I believe it's something I have done. Granted, there are times when I have willingly walked into sin - and paid for it. But honestly, looking back, most times God has rescued me from my sin, not punished me for it. Jesus did no wrong, and yet suffered for us all. Going back to Peter. I love the story of Peter. He denied Jesus 3 times, and yet, when Jesus was resurrected, the angel in the tomb told Mary to go and tell the disciples...and Peter. He specifically called Peter by name. He must have known that Peter no longer felt he was a disciple of Jesus after denying Him 3 times. But what a beautiful story of God's grace and abundant love. I often think of Peter when I am feeling a distance from God that I am blaming on myself. I love the Lord for including that story in His word for us.

It's getting worse...

The doctor told me this was going to happen and not to freak out......whatever. To see my poor baby's eyes turn black and blue is heartbreaking. The only thing that is saving me at this point is the fact that he is happy and acting normally. The bruises will go away, thankfully.

The Lemonade Stand

I'm watching my 7 year old son sitting at the end of our driveway at his little red table trying to sell ice cold water and pepsi (it's all we had!). He's been at it for 30 minutes with not a single car coming by. My son has big plans and I didn't want to discourage him, but he's got several things going against him. 1. We live on a cul-de-sac. 2. The few neighbors that live on this street are out of town. He was so excited to do it, I didn't have the heart to burst his bubble before he even got started. I did, however, convince him that $6 for a cup of Pepsi was too high. As I watch him sit out there in 100 degree heat, my heart aches for him. He insisted on doing it now instead of waiting until tomorrow and planning it out more. He's not completed hard-headed; he was, at least, willing to take other advice like lowering the price of his drinks. As I watch my sweet boy sweating out there, I think of my Father who looks at me so often with an aching heart too. How many times I insist on doing it my way, TODAY, no planning, no asking Him for help or if this is even what I should do. But as I watch my little boy, I am so filled with pride and love for him. He's trying at least, and he hasn't once come in and said "I quit". I am understanding more by watching him, how much God's love for me transcends my mistakes, and even if I didn't do it the "right way", He still is loving me and supporting me.