Remembering Dad

Father's Day carries mixed emotions for me.  As a wife and mother, I am so thankful for the man I married - he is the best dad I know.  It's a great day to celebrate all he is and all he means to our family.  I enjoy preparing for this day and spending it with my husband and our two precious sons.    As a daughter, I am reminiscent and sad; yet also thankful.  Today is the 15th Father's Day I have spent without my Dad.  It feels weird even typing that.  15 years?  Where did that time go?  It seems like only yesterday I was making cupcakes in my Easy Bake oven for my Dad and watching with pride as he gobbled them all down (without a hint of how dried out they were).  I loved celebrating my dad as a child - because to me - he was the best dad ever created by God and I was lucky enough to have him.  I felt bad for other kids who didn't have a dad like mine.  As I got older, I was able to see he wasn't perfect - but he still was the perfect dad.  He made me feel special; he made me feel important.  As a daughter, those are precious gifts from a father that have carried with me all my life.  I know I wouldn't have married a man who treats me like a queen if I didn't start out with a dad who treated me like a princess.

I miss my dad a lot.  I often wonder what he would think about having 5 grandsons and 1 granddaughter.  I wonder what my parents life would be like if he were still here.  I know our family dynamics would be different.  My brother and husband would have a hand to guide them if and when they needed it.  Never one to push, my dad would be available to any of us if we needed it.  He probably would have had a few words of wisdom for all of us over the years that we could have used.  I am sure there were times over the last 15 years he would have spoken up about a few things.

I didn't think when I lost my father how much I would still be missing him all these years later.  It's a hole that can't be filled.  And it's not just on Father's day.  It felt like I lost him again the day my first son was born; and my second.  It's those life altering moments that you feel the void the most - he's not here.  I can't watch him cheer for my son while he pitches; I can't enjoy watching him play a board game with my kids or watch them swim.

It's during tough times I think about my dad too.  I can't ask him what I should do - but I do think about what he would say to me. Would he be proud of the wife I have become; the mother I am?  Am I doing enough to keep our family together?  Watch out for my mom?  Be there for my brother?  Even today it's hard to keep our family tight when the head of it is no longer here.

In spite of all sorrow, I am thankful.  My dad gave me the best example of what my heavenly Father is like. Surely God knew how important that was going to be once my earthly father was gone.  His voice and wisdom still whisper in my ear.  My dad guided me, my brother, and my husband well in the years he was here.  It's still his voice I hear say "I love you" when I feel unlovable.  It's still his strength I remember - in pain but pushing on - when I feel I can't go another step.  It's still his hand on my shoulder I feel when I am not sure which way to go.

He was a great Father and today I miss him.  I hope our family makes him proud watching from heaven.  I know he wouldn't change being with Jesus to be here on earth - even for his grandchildren.  And I rest in that assurance every day - I know I will be with him again.  But still, I would love to see him watch one of his grandsons play a ball game - just once.  And on that day, I would have one more person to make cupcakes for.