Dropping the defense shield

I will be the first to tell you I do not have the perfect marriage. I have a terrific husband that I am thankful for, but we have been together for 20 years and there have been a lot of growing pains over that time. But even after 20 years together, I still find myself puzzled that I keep making the same mistakes over and over again (him too). The other day we had a conversation over the phone about an issue that has been a recurring one for the last several months. You know those conversations don't you? The ones that keep coming up so often you might as well record them and just say to each other - "stop! roll tape". I knew when it began where it was going and it started in it's normal way: topic brought up, I get defensive, he gets defensive, I get louder, he tells me not to yell, etc., etc. But this time something changed. I don't know whether I was just tired from a long day, or maybe I just didn't want to have the same conversation again, but right at the time I usually am getting angrier, I let my guard down. I literally felt my body ease up, my grip on the phone lessen, and I took a deep breath and said what I really felt (pain) instead of what I wanted him to think I was feeling (anger). Even though we were on the phone, he could feel my pain without even seeing my expression. There was a long pause, he said he was sorry, so did I, and the conversation took a better turn. Things have been different since then too. Anger, for me, is usually a direct result of pain or some deeper emotion that I just don't want to have to acknowledge. If I take the time to dig a little deeper, and let my guard down long enough to express it to the right person, it usually gets resolved. If not, it will fester and grow and before long will turn me into something I don't recognize anymore. I am thankful that the Lord has such patience with me. Even when I am angry with Him, He knows the underlying cause, even if I don't. And given enough time, He usually helps me find my way.