Me and Debra Barone

I've been praying a lot and thinking a lot about our family. The things about it that work well, and the things that need improvement. I can honestly say after the trip to the hospital the other night, I have been appreciating the time I have with my kids and my husband more. I am amazed though at how fast I can lose focus on the great qualities of my family and focus on the negative things about them. I left that hospital so thankful for my husband and so full of love for him. So grateful he was ok. But by the time we got to bed that night I was already frustrated with him again. I assumed because it was so late (early the next morning actually) and he had such a bad headache, he would sleep in and go to work later. So I said "you don't have your alarm set do you"? "Yes" was his response. "I have a meeting in the morning". That's when my alter ego Debra Barone came out. Remember her from "Everybody Loves Raymond"? Man I love that show. It still is one of my favorites. I didn't throw a hissy fit like I could have (I was too tired), I just said "idiot" in my head and then proceeded to fume as I rolled over. That got me thinking the next day about how much (or little) I am actually honoring my husband. I'm not saying he didn't deserve the "idiot" thought, because the man needs rest...lots of it, and I thought that just this once, after a scare like that, he would take the time to get it. He didn't. But I can't control him. God doesn't tell me to control him. If I recall correctly, our wedding vows were not to "love, honor, and control", it was cherish. I should love him when he gets home late; love him when doesn't do what I think he should do, love him....love him. The comment he made to me that night (see post below) really has stuck with me. That is not the legacy I want to leave behind. If something were to happen to me tomorrow, I would want my husband and my children to know without a doubt how much I cherish them; how deeply I love them. And not the "I know deep down she loved me" sort of legacy. I want the "she told me every day and showed me every day how much she loved me". No question. No doubt. I loved them with all my heart. The Lord is revealing to me this week His love: how much He loves me, and how little I accept that love. I accept what Christ did for me, but the love in which He sacrificed for all is hard for a sinner like me to accept. I take His love more as a quick hug and kiss on the cheek like you would get from a great-aunt. That's not God's love. The only thing I can compare it to is the hug I got from my dad once. It was the night before my wedding and I was going to bed. My dad was a man of very few words but a huge heart. I got up to go to bed and he walked over and wrapped his arms around me. We stood there hugging each other in total silence for what seemed like an eternity. In that hug I felt all the love a father could have for his daughter, all the sacrifices he made, all the times he encouraged me, the pride he had for me that I was constantly aware of, the times he put up with my adolescent immaturity, and the times he didn't. In one hug I knew that everything was going to be ok, because my dad loved me and was there for me. After our hug he told me he loved me. I still remember how I felt that night, some 15 years later. Even now that my dad is gone, I still can feel his love. If you can't accept the deep love of God through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, and I mean the overwhelming feeling of being loved by the One who made you and has paid the greatest price to save you from your own sin, there is no way you can express that outwardly. God is teaching me that this week. Less of me, more of Him....and show it. Especially to the ones I love most.